The Lose Years Diet

August19th, 2005

The doctor who designed the South Beach Diet is without doubt rolling in money. His diet actually works, as I can testify. This morning I weighed in at 185, down by 65 pounds from my starting point at 250. I would feel a lot better were it not for a severely arthritic hip, a bad knee, an enlarged prostate, and being broke enough to make those school taxes I voted for really hurt. Being 77 doesn't help either.

 

Eureka! I have found a solution that will not only cure all my physical ills but make me so rich that I can pay everybody's school taxes. I have designed a diet which will cause the loss of years, not pounds. Ten years every six months if the directions are strictly adhered to. Think of it! If you are fifty now in a mere two years you can be thirty, a fairly ideal age. Women who are especially vain can stay on the diet for two years and three months and get to be 25.

 

There is a down side, however. If you stay on the diet too long, you lose height, sexual desire and the ability to read. You don't actually die by reaching a negative age because before that happens you are so small that you can't follow the diet. We scientists think of everything.

 

The Lose Years Diet does not require you to give up ice cream, booze, potatoes and even grass if you smoke it. There is no portion control. In fact, you can gorge like a pig on this diet. It doesn't matter. As you lose years, you become as you were at the former age you reach. So if you were slim then, you will be slim now. On the other hand, if you were heavy as a younger person, you will still be heavy. What did you expect? No diet can do everything.

 

The Lose Years Diet was developed in my home lab. My wife is very into gardening. Watching her efforts, it struck me that some plants seem to look better as they get older. Some even change over night. Day Lilies, for example, droop in the night time and look great when the sun comes up. Accordingly, I started by mashing up Day Lilly roots, mixing in ant gruel of red ants and other ingredients commonly found in gardens and then one secret ingredient. I don't mind telling you what that ingredient is because you will never be able to find it: Phoenix eggs.

Phoenixes are thought to be mythical birds, but I have two in pens in my back yard. If this diet really takes off, I will have to breed these birds to increase the supply of eggs. Finding them in the wild is damn near impossible. But a merciful God, taking note of my Job like troubles, sent me these birds. As a result, I am a born again believer in the Almighty, i.e., Zeus. After all, He was in charge of Phoenixes. But I digress.

 

If you think I am going to give you the formula for my discovery, think again. However, good news aged people. The Lose Years Diet comes in the form of pills. A six months supply is available by email only at $250 plus shipping and handling. As a special inducement, you may buy a year's supply at $450, but only one to a family at this price. Not cheap, I agree, but how often have you said “what I wouldn't give to be thirty again.” Now you can.

 

Please be aware that this product has not been approved by the FTC, the FAA, or the Department of Homeland Security. However, extensive testing on my dog and two cats, have shown no side effects. The dog is now a puppy and the cats are the cutest kittens around.

 

To order, please email me at the above address and provide you name, address, phone number, and, if you are a woman, cup size. Also credit card type, number, expiration date and security code.

 

Expect delivery sooner or later.

 

Remember, start losing years today!